Part 1: Afraid to lose you, whoever you are.

I can’t imagine letting go of someone I have loved — romantically that is. 

And I haven’t had that experience yet.

I’m 22 years old, by the way.

I have never felt the heartbreak of losing someone I love dearly — whether caused by death or a general fallout.

And because I carry this fear of losing someone I love so dearly, I am afraid. 

I am afraid to be in a romantic relationship –because it seems to put feelings in jeopardy (how do I know I will be taken care of? and for how long? how much do we both invest? do I sign a contract for this?)

Based off the way I have seen relationships operate, they can make your heart suddenly give more than you can sometimes receive (why is one person investing more than the other? why is one person promising one thing and the other person getting their hopes up?) 

Of course, these are things I have noticed in the very beginning stages of the minimal dating experiences I have had.

And these situations of unequal, unbalanced investment is something no one deserves. 

People deserve time investment. It’s like this: Time is a gift with no receipt. Once it’s opened, you cannot return it.

The money has been spent and the time has either been:

  1. invested in
  2. lost

If the time is option 1, it indicates that either one or both parties gained something from the time passed. However, if the time is option 2, then the party investing more time and energy could rather be putting that time into working on themselves.

And most of the time, I am under the impression that an individual as a sole actor, is the only person who can give themselves the time and dedication they deserve.

To add a romantic partner into the picture would be to supplement and add to the current investment. A romantic partner should not be the investor’s no.1 investment — because at the end of the day, the investor must invest first in themselves, else they would have no assets to offer. 

Time investment spiel aside…

I have always wondered what being in a secure, romantic relationship would be like.

I have wanted to love with the security that everyday, I will be able to watch a new sunrise and sunset with the same person.

I have wanted to love a person and hold their body close to mine and feel like, yes this is forever — and not just a temporary high.

I have wanted to feel the magic of kissing underneath the stars and knowing there would be another opportunity just like this many more times.

I have always wanted to hear the certainty of “forever” and have it be so.

But forever isn’t always until “life happens.”

Eternity is not guaranteed,

And my heart is too fragile for uncertainty,

So do I just spend the rest of my life alone? Do I never take the risk of meeting someone new and letting something grow? (how do I know they’re worth my time?)

Do I invest my time in someone? Someone, please tell me.

I fear too much that two people’s timeline together is quick to fade.

And with each new person I meet, I bring this fear with me,

And that is perhaps the most dangerous thing my heart harbors —

The fear of loss —

But if my heart stays protected and whole because of it…

Am I really hurting after all?

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